What are you afraid of?
For me, there’s a lengthy answer to that one! I’ve got a list. It doesn’t include just a simple ‘fear’…that’s for the sane afraid people! I’ve got some downright phobias. It sounds like I’m joking, and I am … a little, but as with all sarcasm, there’s some real truth buried within my words.
Here’s a crippling one. I have a fear of insecurity. It is actually more like a phobia than a cute little fear. It stops me from progressing like a normal person. It stops me from doing things that God clearly wants from me- things like adopting a child.
Our family decided firmly a couple of months ago that we’re definitely adopting. We paid our fee to the adoption agency, and determined that we would adopt a little girl from China; then something happened. I got afraid. I thought it through and realized that we are already at the lower scale of the middle class spectrum. We barely have enough money to pay our bills. Some months we don’t even have that much. So in the midst of that major life decision, God really put it on my heart to quit my second job- a second job that gave me free flight benefits; A perk that would come in useful during the long process of adoption. My mind started going one way, and my heart started going another way. If we’re spending THOUSANDS on adoption, I at least need to have a little extra income.
In addition to quitting my second job, I also started school at the same time- another venture that will cost me THOUSANDS. So, I started doing some math. Less income plus more debt means that the daughter God clearly told me I have waiting for me, will just have to wait…..in an orphanage…..in a 3rd world country. I was clearly confused!
So things that I had all worked out in my mind started undoing themselves in every way possible. My first, and easiest thought to process was to put off the adoption at least until I’ve finished school. The second thought was to just do everything all at once. The first thought makes more sense in my mind than the second. The second makes more sense in my heart. Needless to say, I allowed myself to get confused. I felt like the voice of God was being completely muddled, and it was. I allowed it to be muddled.
In addition, we have had some difficulty with the adoption from China. Did you read that part about us being on the lower end of the middle class spectrum? It turns out the adoption agency read that too. It’s a problem for China because you need to be able to show some type of financial stability. Telling them that God always works it out doesn’t quite cut it. Also, the moment I started getting very serious about adoption was also due largely to my trip to Haiti. I realized that no matter how poor any American is, they’re still rich compared to a little orphan living in Haiti. So naturally, as I made the decision to adopt, that brought China to my mind? Did I mention that I allowed myself to get confused?
It was at the very height of my confusion that God finally just decided to remain quiet about the whole thing, to a point. We had no idea what we were doing. The only thing that I did not doubt is that I do have a daughter somewhere. We decided to just take some time and do everything God told us to do.
First, he told us to be generous. I’ve given money before, but I’ve never let it hurt. God clearly told us to help other people in their adoption journey, and have it be an amount that would really hurt. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to give money away when you’re saving for your own adoption, but God made it very clear. So we gave our money away.
Next, God told us to get our relationship right by reading the bible every night and journaling.
Now that I’ve got that list written down, it doesn’t sound like much but it was much for me. I don’t like being so broke that I’m nervous. That’s exactly where God put us. Then when we got there, I woke up with this thought. “Pretend you don’t know about all the red tape with certain countries. If you were to call the adoption agency right now and tell them which country you really want to adopt from, which country would you tell them?” I had my answer right away. So I walked downstairs and asked Brian that very question. Do you know what he said?
It was always so clear. Or was it? I don’t know. If you’ve ventured to read this far, you may understand a little of my thought process. So…having less income than ever- and even more debt due to school- we’re going out in faith to get our little girl from Haiti.