What are you afraid of?
For me, there’s a lengthy answer
to that one! I’ve got a list. It doesn’t include just a simple ‘fear’…that’s
for the sane afraid people! I’ve got
some downright phobias. It sounds like I’m
joking, and I am … a little, but as with all sarcasm, there’s some real truth
buried within my words.
Here’s a crippling one. I have a fear of insecurity. It is actually more like a phobia than a cute
little fear. It stops me from progressing like a normal
person. It stops me from doing things
that God clearly wants from me- things like adopting a child.
Our family decided firmly a
couple of months ago that we’re definitely adopting. We paid our fee to the adoption agency, and
determined that we would adopt a little girl from China; then something
happened. I got afraid. I thought it through and realized that we are
already at the lower scale of the middle class spectrum. We barely have enough money to pay our
bills. Some months we don’t even have
that much. So in the midst of that major
life decision, God really put it on my heart to quit my second job- a second
job that gave me free flight benefits; A
perk that would come in useful during the long process of adoption. My mind started going one way, and my heart
started going another way. If we’re
spending THOUSANDS on adoption, I at least need to have a little extra
income.
In addition to quitting my second
job, I also started school at the same time- another venture that will cost me
THOUSANDS. So, I started doing some
math. Less income plus more debt means
that the daughter God clearly told me I have waiting for me, will just have to
wait…..in an orphanage…..in a 3rd world country. I was clearly
confused!
So things that I had all worked out
in my mind started undoing themselves in every way possible. My first, and easiest thought to process was
to put off the adoption at least until I’ve finished school. The second thought was to just do everything
all at once. The first thought makes
more sense in my mind than the second.
The second makes more sense in my heart.
Needless to say, I allowed myself to get confused. I felt like the voice of God was being
completely muddled, and it was. I
allowed it to be muddled.
In addition, we have had some
difficulty with the adoption from China. Did you read that part about us being on the
lower end of the middle class spectrum?
It turns out the adoption agency read that too. It’s a problem for China because you need to
be able to show some type of financial stability. Telling them that God always works it out
doesn’t quite cut it. Also, the moment I
started getting very serious about adoption was also due largely to my trip to
Haiti. I realized that no matter how
poor any American is, they’re still rich compared to a little orphan living in
Haiti. So naturally, as I made the
decision to adopt, that brought China to my mind? Did I mention that I allowed myself to get
confused?
It was at the very height of my
confusion that God finally just decided to remain quiet about the whole thing,
to a point. We had no idea what we were
doing. The only thing that I did not
doubt is that I do have a daughter somewhere.
We decided to just take some time and do everything God told us to do.
First, he told us to be
generous. I’ve given money before, but I’ve
never let it hurt. God clearly told us
to help other people in their adoption journey, and have it be an amount that
would really hurt. It doesn’t make a lot
of sense to give money away when you’re saving for your own adoption, but God
made it very clear. So we gave our money
away.
Next, God told us to get our
relationship right by reading the bible every night and journaling.
Now that I’ve got that list
written down, it doesn’t sound like much but it was much for me. I don’t like being so broke that I’m
nervous. That’s exactly where God put
us. Then when we got there, I woke up
with this thought. “Pretend you don’t
know about all the red tape with certain countries. If you were to call the adoption agency right
now and tell them which country you really want to adopt from, which country
would you tell them?” I had my answer
right away. So I walked downstairs and
asked Brian that very question. Do you
know what he said?
“HAITI”
It was always so clear. Or was it? I don’t know.
If you’ve ventured to read this far, you may understand a little of my
thought process. So…having less income
than ever- and even more debt due to school- we’re going out in faith to get
our little girl from Haiti.
